I've been sober for four days and I. AM. EXHAUSTED.  So tired, I can't even think straight.  I thought I'd have so much more energy if I wasn't drinking, but it's just not happening right now.  I have been eating a lot too, but that's not really anything different. 
I have a sink full of dishes, a bedroom full of mess, a lawn full of long grass, no lunch for tomorrow, and no energy.  But I'm sober, it's Wednesday, and Ghost Hunters is on Netflix.  I'll give it another half hour and then kick it up, even just for a few minutes. 

I'm going to my first counseling appt. tonight.  I'm not sure what to expect and am feeling pretty nervous.  I didn't go anywhere last night and will not go out drinking tonight, even though Tuesdays have become a bit of a thing lately. What?  Tuesday drinking is "a thing" now?  That can't be right.  I have never really talked to a counselor about my drinking.  I've gone for other things in the past, usually things that are exacerbated by drinking but always actively avoided talking about drinking.  It's time to just throw it out there and see what an impartial party says about it. 

It's been a dismal couple of months.  Ever since S died it's been out of control.  Usually I have at least a little bit of self control when it comes to self destruction but my party pants have been ON since May.  I haven't even felt guilty or like things should change, just hopeless and stuck.  Drinking "helps" lately because I get anxious when I'm alone and sober.  Even if I don't really feel like drinking I do it because I can.
Today is my first day at work after a week-long vacation that was actually pretty awful.  There were issues with my mom, who I hadn't seen for two years.  I feel very guilty that I can't love her as much as she wants but also resentful that she hasn't changed since I was a child.  There were at least 3 BIG DRINKING nights that ended in some crazy things happening.  I was so sick yesterday.
I can't do this anymore.  I'm so tired.  I'm so hopeless.  I won't drink today.