I finally made the call to the program which allows employees to attend 3 free counseling sessions  to talk about stuff.  Drinking, death, anxiety for family, dealing.  Ugh.  I've never done counseling as an adult.  I did once, but I just cried the whole time and tried to not make myself look like a total bitch.  Which probably wasn't really constructive. 
I've been drinking a lot because I don't like to think.  When I think I get too anxious about my family, my age, taking care of things.  Fucking christ Sarah, you really messed me up.  Brought up a whole lot of anxiety things that I've been supressing my whole life.  I can't take care of everyone and that scares the hell out of me because if I don't try they might die like you did.  But trying is hard and acknowledging my failure as a friend/loved one is too daunting so...wine helps.  I don't know man.  I really need to talk to someone.