I've been sober for four days and I. AM. EXHAUSTED.  So tired, I can't even think straight.  I thought I'd have so much more energy if I wasn't drinking, but it's just not happening right now.  I have been eating a lot too, but that's not really anything different. 
I have a sink full of dishes, a bedroom full of mess, a lawn full of long grass, no lunch for tomorrow, and no energy.  But I'm sober, it's Wednesday, and Ghost Hunters is on Netflix.  I'll give it another half hour and then kick it up, even just for a few minutes. 

I'm going to my first counseling appt. tonight.  I'm not sure what to expect and am feeling pretty nervous.  I didn't go anywhere last night and will not go out drinking tonight, even though Tuesdays have become a bit of a thing lately. What?  Tuesday drinking is "a thing" now?  That can't be right.  I have never really talked to a counselor about my drinking.  I've gone for other things in the past, usually things that are exacerbated by drinking but always actively avoided talking about drinking.  It's time to just throw it out there and see what an impartial party says about it. 

It's been a dismal couple of months.  Ever since S died it's been out of control.  Usually I have at least a little bit of self control when it comes to self destruction but my party pants have been ON since May.  I haven't even felt guilty or like things should change, just hopeless and stuck.  Drinking "helps" lately because I get anxious when I'm alone and sober.  Even if I don't really feel like drinking I do it because I can.
Today is my first day at work after a week-long vacation that was actually pretty awful.  There were issues with my mom, who I hadn't seen for two years.  I feel very guilty that I can't love her as much as she wants but also resentful that she hasn't changed since I was a child.  There were at least 3 BIG DRINKING nights that ended in some crazy things happening.  I was so sick yesterday.
I can't do this anymore.  I'm so tired.  I'm so hopeless.  I won't drink today. 

I finally made the call to the program which allows employees to attend 3 free counseling sessions  to talk about stuff.  Drinking, death, anxiety for family, dealing.  Ugh.  I've never done counseling as an adult.  I did once, but I just cried the whole time and tried to not make myself look like a total bitch.  Which probably wasn't really constructive. 
I've been drinking a lot because I don't like to think.  When I think I get too anxious about my family, my age, taking care of things.  Fucking christ Sarah, you really messed me up.  Brought up a whole lot of anxiety things that I've been supressing my whole life.  I can't take care of everyone and that scares the hell out of me because if I don't try they might die like you did.  But trying is hard and acknowledging my failure as a friend/loved one is too daunting so...wine helps.  I don't know man.  I really need to talk to someone.

I miss you a lot.  I want to send this blog to you and laugh over it with you.  I would probably post a lot of pictures from it onto your Facebook page because I'm obnoxious and I want to make you laugh.  I wish you would have laughed more.  I wish I would have tried harder.  Now all I can do it have dreams about going to the movies with you and laughing and waking up and realizing that I'll never laugh with you again.  God dammit Sarah.  I keep thinking that I can change your mind and you'll come back, but you won't.  I really miss you.  I'm sorry you felt that you didn't deserve my friendship, sometimes I felt the same way because of bullshit from long ago, but I'm past that and the truth is you were so much fun to laugh with that the bullshit just kind of went away.  WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET THINGS BE AWESOME.  You could have slept on my couch, I would have done anything for you...just talk, laugh, etc.  I don't know what I could have done to make you feel better, but I wish you would have reached out. 
Miss you monkey. 

I just took my vitamins.  Teeth were flossed last night.  I painted my nails and took my dog on a long walk.  I feel much better.  Let's see how long it lasts.
When do you stop thinking that you can still call someone up after they are gone? 

In Blackwater Woods

by Mary Oliver

Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars

of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,

the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders

of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is

nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned

in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side

is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

So today I've been thinking...is my lack of drive and depression because of my friend's death or am I using her death as an excuse to just let everything go by the wayside and stop taking care of myself?  Because I haven't really been taking care of myself and I've been drinking way too much.
Now my mom is coming up from across the country at the end of July.  There will  be much beach going, sailing, visiting, etc.  I do not want to be crabby, fat, and depressed when she is here, I want to have a good time.  I want HER to have a good time.  When I don't take care of myself I feel like shit and I take it out on other people which I shouldn't and I really need to look at that. 
Here are some things that I'd really like to start doing:
-Flossing my teeth.  I haven't been, it's gross.  I'm usually a pretty consistent flosser.
-Less beer, more vegetables and homemade food.  Less booze in general, more summer salad type stuff.
-More walking.  I feel really bad for my dog, we should be doing much more but I'm so. exhausted. I would like to make it a point to move about more if not for me then for her.
-Journal.  There is a whole lot of shit in my head that I am eating/drinking/ sleeping away right now and it needs to get out or I am never going to get better.
-Paint my toenails.  They look like shit and this is something that would help me feel better that really doesn't take much effort.
- Vitamins.  Take them.

The think about it is, all of these things seem HUGE to me right now.  Like, I think about cooking something and I get a headache and just want to crawl into bed.  WTF.  WT F-ing F.  I'm on my meds.  It's the booze man. 

Here's the deal.  My best friend since middle school shot herself the day after Mothers Day.  I've done enough thinking about that for now, so I don't really want to write about it but I am having a very hard time getting things done right now.  Everything seems very daunting yet unimportant.  I've been reading about how to motivate yourself when you are depressed and am about to get moving.  I need to clean my room because it depresses me in itself that I spend too damn much time in it and it is so messy.  I feel the need to simplify my life, to get rid of things that I don't use/need/aren't good for me.  It's hot as balls outside and I have all the fans and no pants.  I feel bad for my dog because she is very hairy but she is sleeping in front of a fan right now so I think she will be okay.  I just need to think about the loveliness of the end result, having things look nice and be in their place will lessen my stress considerably which is what I am really going for right now.
SO.  Cleaning my room.  Doing it.  First I will have some coffee and look at the newspaper really quick.  I would also like to dye my hair this weekend and work out at least once.  Baby steps?
Okay.

What a week.   I worked about 10 hours a day Tuesday through Friday, went out with the work kids on Friday, and danced a lot.  It was fun.  It was surreal.  I laughed. 
So anyway, yesterday was filled with cheese popcorn and horror movies on Netflix and it is noon on Sunday and time to kick things into gear to get ready for the weekend.  Because I like to put my to-do lists on the internet here we go: 
Shopping (Eggs, Spinach, Apples, Strawberries, Romaine, Avocado, Bananas, Meat?, Almond Milk, Cheese, Frozen Blueberries, baby carrots, Dog poo bags)
Laundry (wash sheets!)
Dog Park
Make salad with Tuna, red onions, chick peas, feta, tomatoes
Pack lunch for tomorrow
Clean out purses for tomorrow
Get to bed by 9pm, read and relax.

If I put things out into the ether, they will happen? 

Hey! I can give you a few tips to help you go in the right direction but it’s up to you to do the work. In all honestly, it’s a lot easier said than done. If you really want to love yourself, you can do it!

1. Treat others with love and respect. Bringing joy to other peoples’ lives will help you find joy in your own. In addition, those that you treat well will likely repay you with the same kindness. Gradually you will start to feel your worth through the smiles of gratitude. However, don’t just be very kind to people so you can recieve royal treatment.
2. Post positive statements up someplaces where you will see them each and every day. “I am beautiful.” or “I have the courage to love.” Read them outloud, every day, at least once, ideally at least ten times each time you notice one of them. Sticky notes are fabulous for such affirmations and goals.
3. Learn to let go of past events. You deserve a fresh beginning! There are a lot of people out there that have had hard lives/bad beginnings or moments. Don’t close yourself out of grief, disappointments, or fears of future ridicule. Acknowledge your feelings, but work to put them behind you. Cherish what you have learned from your challenges, and how you have changed and grown from them.
4. Do what you love. What do you love to do? If you could find something that you love to do and spend time doing it, you will experience love, joy, and happiness in your heart. That is when you truly connect with your authentic self. As a result you become happier and more loving.
5. Trust yourself. Don’t just blindly follow other peoples suggestions. Learn to trust who you really are.
6. Forgive yourself. Don’t punish yourself for something you have done in the past. Instead, look at the mistake as a learning experience. Say to yourself now: “I forgive myself for _______.” Go look in a mirror and say it out loud to yourself, look yourself right in the eyes and speak forgiveness like you mean it. Don’t ever demean or ridicule yourself, or if you do then laugh realizing that was then and this is now. Every day is a new beginning.
7. Think of five positive words that describe you. Try not to use words like “pretty” and “nice”. Try variety.
8. DON’T Define yourself by what you’ve done or do. Celebrate your accomplishments but let go of the things you haven’t…yet? Remember that success is not a destination. Success is making progress (toward the desires of your heart). Accept yourself, and others will follow your lead. You are not your deeds, appearance, or bank balance.
9. Start working toward how and what you want to do and be. Do so with a positive attitude by working toward your higher purposes and greater appreciation of your problems as motivating your finding new and better opportunities.
10. Stop comparing yourself to others. Everyone on this earth is unique. We all have different gifts. When you compare yourself to others, it makes you feel bad about yourself. When you compare yourself to others for what they have, whether it is a car, a house, a mate, children, money, or a job, it makes you feel low self esteem, lose your confidence, and perhaps depressed, envy or jealous. A way to stop comparing yourself to others is by focusing on your own strength. Get to know yourself and discover what is your greatest gift that you are meant to share with the world. Another great way is by practicing gratitude. Be happy for what you have. Really be grateful about everything that you have; people in your life, job, relationships, material, etc. Gratitude keeps your heart open to love.

Hope some of those will be able to help you! When I truly wanted to love myself, the first thing I did was I turned off those negative messages I would tell myself. Also, I hung up a picture of myself on my mirror from when I was a little girl. She is so cute and innocent. I want her to live a happy healthy life, I do everything in my power to give her that. Give that little kid in you a good life. Small steps in the right direction is all you need to get there <33

-From  Believe in Recovery Tumblr

Monday Monday

It's a blustery day outside.  Snow was falling when I left for work this morning.  I had a lovely weekend, full of friends, dog time, a fantastic bloody mary bar, bingo, a movie, and green smoothies.
Saw The Cabin in the Woods.  So. Much. Fun.  Loved it!  Monsters, blood, laughter.  Fantastic.
But now I'm at work and not really feeling it.  I need to remember that working at work is a means to an end which is feeling good when I'm not at work and not worrying about it.  Meh.  Hard to remember when my to-do list is long and my brain is still having PBRs, honey roasted cashews, and playing bar bingo on a lazy Sunday. 

Idea of the day:  Doing well at work means more lazy Sundays.  Take charge of what you can achieve, fulfill the possibilities.  Your heart may not be in it, but at least your brain and body can still get things done.

I Got Shit To Do.

It's a beautiful day.  I have already had a bloody mary on a patio by the river and a homemade green smoothie, purchased Fiona Apple concert tickets, and spend my weekly 15 minutes debating on whether or not I want a Costco membership.  (Delicious sausages, giant boxes of greens, deli hot dogs vs. Having to go to Costco....worth it?)
My sister gave me some chores, I have to sweep the kitchen, clean my room, sweep the hallway, and finish the dishes. 
My friend is coming over tonight and I need to buy some food for dinner.  I would like to return a dress I bought at Target, and eventually weed and fill my garden plot up the street with some topsoil and mulch.
Also:  Grilling?  Doesn't that sound nice tonight?  That would open a whole other can of worms of shit to do. 
Anyway, no more computer.  I just had to get that out.  Time to get stuff done.  I really like green smoothies.

Alarm Clock

Whenever the alarm clock goes off in the morning, I grumble and push snooze multiple times, trading a little bit of restless sleep for more time to start my day in a mellow way.  I wait until the last minute, leaving just enough time to rush through my morning prep and make it to work only a few minutes late. 
I treat life as if it's an inconvenience that gets in the way of my sleep and alone time.  This is not fair to myself.  Life is not something that interrupts the time spent in bed or in a cocoon of solitude.  Work is not an inconvenience.  It's something that you do to work your brain and make some money.  I'd like to embrace the day and look forward to what my efforts will achieve instead of see tasks as burdens. 
This morning I had a green smoothie with spinach, apple, kiwi, banana, carrots, and apple juice in it.  It was pretty good.  But I used a knife with a plastic handle to mush the spinach down and there ended up being a few chunks of black plastic in the smoothie.  Healthy!  I took my vitamins and had a half cup of coffee.  I think I'm going to go find some more coffee here at work and then rock this bitch out.  I have about 3 days of work to catch up on today.  I'm also going to see a(nother) show tonight.  4 on the Floor at First Ave.  I'm sticking with PBR (no liquor) and getting some sleep tonight because I need to work on my garden this weekend. 

Thought of the day:  Life is not an inconvenience.

Motivation

It's been a long time since I've posted anything.  Last night I went to a show (The Lumineers...fun!) but today I have a hangover, called in to work, ate my feelings like crazy, and am now at the usual time in a day like today where I feel like I want to TURN IT ALL AROUND.  Have to cut down on drinking, want to lose some weight, start applying myself more at work, things are never going to change if I don't change them dammit, etc.  All of these things are true and right now I have the best of intentions.  Will there be follow through?  For now, here are some motivational online articles that I've been reading. 
Motivation Tips from a Fitness Pro
50 Ways to Stay Motivated to Lose Weight
The Most Inspiring Weight Loss Stories of 2011
Find Your Motivation to Get Fit

Okay.  So weight loss isn't the most important thing I would like to do, but when I am running and eating healthy food it involves a level of planning, awareness, and action that bleed over into the other parts of my life.  Feeling healthier affects my physical self, my happiness, my relationships with others, my attitude and motivation at work, and my feelings of accomplishment and sense of self worth. When I am working on my health I drink less and spend less money.  These are both other areas of my life that I want to work on.  Considering how many parts of my life are improved when my health is better and I'm taking care of myself is it really worth the nights out and piles of fast food?  Not really.