I talked to C on Thursday.  I had drank a bottle of wine and he texted me, so I called him.  I probably didn't need to do that but the thing is I don't feel angry anymore which is refreshing.  I had been walking around with hard little pebbles of anger in my belly since the fight, which is something that doesn't improve one's outlook on things. Being angry however, is the ultimate motivator of manic action.  But I don't want manic action, I just want to be okay and get things done.
I also didn't need to drink a bottle of wine, but the effects were minimal.  It's actually pretty boring to sit on my front steps all night, drinking wine, and smoking way too many cigarettes.  I sat on my front steps yesterday and read the Sunday paper for about 3 hours (I feel so informed!) which was way more interesting.  Sometimes my brain yearns to be just shut off.  Drinking is the best way to do that.  On Saturday night I watched Doctor Who episodes until about 3am because I knew that if I just laid down and shut my eyes I would have a massive panic attack.  Sometimes the consciousness needs to be shut down for awhile, it's as if my brain doesn't want to be around me.  I bore myself.  But not always!  Sometimes the world is endlessly interesting and I can space out on that and feel good.  Other times I want to claw my way out of my own head. 
This is something I recognize and need to work on.  This affects how I interact with other people, and how I interact with mind-altering substances.  I drink like I am on a mission when reality becomes too much.  That is when I get belligerent, obnoxious, hateful, and sad.  This is when I wake up wanting to die.  But sometimes the world is beautiful and my mind is at peace and drinking is not even that interesting to me. 
I feel at peace today.  The temperature has been hovering around the mid-60s, there is a lovely breeze, and not a cloud to be seen.  Do I dare believe that it is fall?  This summer has been so oppressive, and I'm not just referring to the weather.  It's nice to wear a hoodie again.  I'm going to make zucchini muffins, iron my work pants, buy some coolant so I can actually get the car to the mechanic's tomorrow (I hope,) and try to spend as much time as I can outside.  Fall blows the cobwebs and condensation out of my soul, just like spring.