This is probably one of the stupidest things that I have written. Only because I am 31 years old and these thoughts came to me this morning like a bolt of lightning. This is something that I should have realized a long time ago. Do people know this? Is this a part of the lives of others? Why hasn't anyone told me about it?
Anyway, this morning I woke up late (totally on purpose, I love my snooze button) and stressed out in my car the whole way to work. I had to be here at 8am to let some people into the office and it was rainy this morning so it wasn't looking good. I got here at 8:04 but that's besides the point. I was seriously MAD. Mad at the traffic, mad at stupid people driving slowly, mad at myself for waking up late, but most of all mad at myself for being so MAD. I mean, there wasn't anything I could do about it by the time I was in my car and stuck in traffic. What is wrong with me that I could get so mad about something I can't change? I am just an angry and terrible person!
We were out of coffee at the office this morning and I drove up to the drugstore to get some. I have to cross a very busy street at a stoplight and drivers were stopping in the middle of the intersection instead of waiting behind. I waited through two green lights unable to get across the street. WHAT IS WRONG WIHT THESE PEOPLE WHERE DO THEY THINK THEY ARE GOING TO GO?
What is wrong with me that I want to jump out of my car and start swinging a bat?
It hit me. I was so much calmer when my car was busted and I took the bus. I don't like driving in the morning and I don't like driving in the city. Especially towards the end of the month when I'm wicked hormonal. I should keep taking the bus.
I feel stressed out and rushed when I abuse my snooze button. It throws off my whole day. Instead of wishing that I could change my reaction, I should just wake up on time.
I made a fool out of myself this weekend by drinking too much at a work function and beat myself up about it all weekend. It never feels good to hate yourself. Instead of wishing I had more love and forgiveness for myself maybe I should do things that allow me to love myself.
I guess what I'm saying is that instead of assuming that I'm a bad person because I don't react to bad situations in a healthy way maybe I could put more effort into changing the external issues that cause me stress.
Driving in the morning stresses me out: --> Ride the bus
Rushing to work stresses me out --> Wake up on time
Being hungover sucks --> Don't drink
Feeling unhealthy brings me down --> Make an effort to exercise and eat right
Being broke is stressful --> Pay more attention to finances
Snapping at my sister and my mom makes me feel really bad -->Don't drink --> Don't mess up and make them worry-->Don't snap and get defensive when they bring it up
I mean, this all seems so obvious, right? I realize however that I always think about the things I "should" be doing differently just for the sake of doing them. Because this is what "should" be done. BUT the effects of these actions are inevitable and I think I forget about them. I can feel better about myself, healthier, have more money, and less stress...not by changing my reactions to things, but by actually changing the things that solicit reactions.
So yeah. That's something. Doing the dishes makes the whole house look better and it's not hard so why not do it? Small changes can affect bigger things and I do have some control over my life. Granted, I don't have total control but the things that I can change are there for the changing.
TL:DR Driving stresses me out. I think I will start taking the bus even if I have a choice in the matter.
The end.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
Comfort food:
Hamburger Helper with a side of smushy white bread with cheap margarine on it. Also acceptable without hamburger. When my parents got divorced we'd eat "Helper" at my dad's house every weekend. Just Helper.
Instant mashed potatoes, brown gravy (the powdered kind from a packet,) and corn. Canned or frozen are both acceptable. Meat is optional, meatballs or meatloaf with lots of filler are ideal.
Skillet fried potatoes and scrambled eggs with leftover bratwurst from yesterdays grilling mixed in.
Strawberries or raspberries in a little bowl with a sugar bowl on the side just in case. (This one is from Grandma. If you include a tiny Little Debbie cinnamon roll or single powdered sugar donut I will love you forever. Oh and a tiny little glass of juice.)
Comfort food: You are cheap (because we were poor) and you make me so much happier than anything else. I need more of this in my life.
Also, breakfast for dinner!
Hamburger Helper with a side of smushy white bread with cheap margarine on it. Also acceptable without hamburger. When my parents got divorced we'd eat "Helper" at my dad's house every weekend. Just Helper.
Instant mashed potatoes, brown gravy (the powdered kind from a packet,) and corn. Canned or frozen are both acceptable. Meat is optional, meatballs or meatloaf with lots of filler are ideal.
Skillet fried potatoes and scrambled eggs with leftover bratwurst from yesterdays grilling mixed in.
Strawberries or raspberries in a little bowl with a sugar bowl on the side just in case. (This one is from Grandma. If you include a tiny Little Debbie cinnamon roll or single powdered sugar donut I will love you forever. Oh and a tiny little glass of juice.)
Comfort food: You are cheap (because we were poor) and you make me so much happier than anything else. I need more of this in my life.
Also, breakfast for dinner!
Here's something. It's Friday night and I am all...I'm loooonnnnely. BUT If I had the option to go out and do something I probably wouldn't because deep down I am more comfortable smoking and internetting on the porch than I would be making new friends. Way more comfortable. I have a comfort zone that is extremely SMALL and no platonic friends. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself for feeling so lonely because it's my own fault. I should just be glad that I am not in the midst of some massive discomfort hanging out with people that I am not totally comfortable with. Ew. This makes me hate myself a little bit. A lot. I have been anti-Keran all day long and it's not looking to get any better. I guess I will do a crossword puzzle and read myself to sleep. At 7pm on a Friday. That's right.
Does it count as loneliness if you willfully alienate everyone you come into contact with?
Does it count as loneliness if you willfully alienate everyone you come into contact with?
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
It seems unfair that any internet advice regarding booty calls is for men and how to keep a booty call woman happy and available. I'm actually finding most of this advice offensive. What what? What about us ladies that want to booty call? I think society thinks that women don't have to booty call because they can just go out and pick up a dude. But what if you don't want to pick up a dude? What if you want something tried and true without the getting to know you crap? Without the chance of putting yourself out there for a crap lay? Not cool internet, not cool. Plus, I haven't had a one night stand since my early twenties. Why? Because they always involve alcohol, unfulfilled-ed-ness, and shame. Ew, no. The only way I could sleep with someone I don't know is if I was bombed out of my skull and that is not the way I am anymore. At all.
Well. I've had a glass of wine because that is what I have in the house and I am not going out for more and that's okay. But all of a sudden, halfway through that glass of wine I get the mad urge to call my friend K. We talked on Facebook chat earlier today. K of the first "real" relationship I've ever had that lasted a year in real-life and about three years physically.
I'm trying to decide if this urge comes from a place where I want attention and someone to talk to if I've had a glass of wine or if I really want to talk to him. Or if I have just not even seen a peen for about a month now. The bad thing about being used to sex on the regular for the past seven years is that it is a bit of a revelation to be without it. Even when I wasn't in a relationship I would keep an ace in the hole (which is a super bad but somewhat accurate metaphor) to get down with. The bad thing about K is that he says he wants to get married and have all of my babies. He really doesn't, he just is from a large Catholic family and is getting older and has not yet procreated and I think it's getting to him and I am a fertile good time. We would kill eachother if we were ever to be serious, I have told him that a thousand times but he just wants to reproduce with someone who is as good as is available at this time. What? Yes.
He knows I don't want anything serious. I know that we always had a pretty good time. Sometimes I feel like he hasn't really committed himself to anyone because we worked really well on a day to day and the sex was awesome and he seems to think that he is the only one that I should really be with. This is my ego talking. But really, I would be so happy for him to marry a nice girl and have all kinds of babies. But I would also be happy to get together for old time sake maybe once or twice. Ugh. I am a jerk of the highest order and it's not just the glass of wine, it's the needing attention and I need to get over it.
I'm trying to decide if this urge comes from a place where I want attention and someone to talk to if I've had a glass of wine or if I really want to talk to him. Or if I have just not even seen a peen for about a month now. The bad thing about being used to sex on the regular for the past seven years is that it is a bit of a revelation to be without it. Even when I wasn't in a relationship I would keep an ace in the hole (which is a super bad but somewhat accurate metaphor) to get down with. The bad thing about K is that he says he wants to get married and have all of my babies. He really doesn't, he just is from a large Catholic family and is getting older and has not yet procreated and I think it's getting to him and I am a fertile good time. We would kill eachother if we were ever to be serious, I have told him that a thousand times but he just wants to reproduce with someone who is as good as is available at this time. What? Yes.
He knows I don't want anything serious. I know that we always had a pretty good time. Sometimes I feel like he hasn't really committed himself to anyone because we worked really well on a day to day and the sex was awesome and he seems to think that he is the only one that I should really be with. This is my ego talking. But really, I would be so happy for him to marry a nice girl and have all kinds of babies. But I would also be happy to get together for old time sake maybe once or twice. Ugh. I am a jerk of the highest order and it's not just the glass of wine, it's the needing attention and I need to get over it.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Every Fall is a New Beginning
I grew up and now live where there is no mistaking the changing of the seasons. I have once lived where seasons run together and realized afterwards that something big had been missing. I am physically programmed to sense the passage of time by the changing of the seasons, the feeling of weather changing is so visceral to me, it affects every part of me.
Winter and Summer are the Big Ones. The longest seasons, the ones that are most extreme. Winter is bitter, long, and dark. The mind goes into hibernation mode, but every once and a while is interrupted by a day of sun and sparkling fresh snow. Summer is beautiful, but hot. You spend a month feeling sticky and lethargic. You feel like you should be doing something BIG and Take Advantage of Summer. But you don't and feel kind of guilty about it, even the things that you do don't measure up to the definition of summer in your mind, which was formed when you were a child and it seemed like endless days of freedom and exploration stretched in front of you. It will never again be like that and it makes you sad. You no longer have friends that are willing to stretch out on the grass for an hour and feel funny doing it alone.
But fall and spring, these are the transitional seasons. The short ones, that no one really thinks about. The glory of summer and the agony of winter eclipse the sweet fleeting days of autumn and spring. To many people autumn and spring are merely seen as a stepping stone to something else, something big. This is understandable, but for me these seasons mean change, from snow to grass, from hot to cool, from green to red, from dead to alive. It touches a place in me that craves change, and for things to be interesting and varied. It also makes me want to change, to make things better, to go along with Mother Nature for the ride.
I grew up and now live where there is no mistaking the changing of the seasons. I have once lived where seasons run together and realized afterwards that something big had been missing. I am physically programmed to sense the passage of time by the changing of the seasons, the feeling of weather changing is so visceral to me, it affects every part of me.
Winter and Summer are the Big Ones. The longest seasons, the ones that are most extreme. Winter is bitter, long, and dark. The mind goes into hibernation mode, but every once and a while is interrupted by a day of sun and sparkling fresh snow. Summer is beautiful, but hot. You spend a month feeling sticky and lethargic. You feel like you should be doing something BIG and Take Advantage of Summer. But you don't and feel kind of guilty about it, even the things that you do don't measure up to the definition of summer in your mind, which was formed when you were a child and it seemed like endless days of freedom and exploration stretched in front of you. It will never again be like that and it makes you sad. You no longer have friends that are willing to stretch out on the grass for an hour and feel funny doing it alone.
But fall and spring, these are the transitional seasons. The short ones, that no one really thinks about. The glory of summer and the agony of winter eclipse the sweet fleeting days of autumn and spring. To many people autumn and spring are merely seen as a stepping stone to something else, something big. This is understandable, but for me these seasons mean change, from snow to grass, from hot to cool, from green to red, from dead to alive. It touches a place in me that craves change, and for things to be interesting and varied. It also makes me want to change, to make things better, to go along with Mother Nature for the ride.
I talked to C on Thursday. I had drank a bottle of wine and he texted me, so I called him. I probably didn't need to do that but the thing is I don't feel angry anymore which is refreshing. I had been walking around with hard little pebbles of anger in my belly since the fight, which is something that doesn't improve one's outlook on things. Being angry however, is the ultimate motivator of manic action. But I don't want manic action, I just want to be okay and get things done.
I also didn't need to drink a bottle of wine, but the effects were minimal. It's actually pretty boring to sit on my front steps all night, drinking wine, and smoking way too many cigarettes. I sat on my front steps yesterday and read the Sunday paper for about 3 hours (I feel so informed!) which was way more interesting. Sometimes my brain yearns to be just shut off. Drinking is the best way to do that. On Saturday night I watched Doctor Who episodes until about 3am because I knew that if I just laid down and shut my eyes I would have a massive panic attack. Sometimes the consciousness needs to be shut down for awhile, it's as if my brain doesn't want to be around me. I bore myself. But not always! Sometimes the world is endlessly interesting and I can space out on that and feel good. Other times I want to claw my way out of my own head.
This is something I recognize and need to work on. This affects how I interact with other people, and how I interact with mind-altering substances. I drink like I am on a mission when reality becomes too much. That is when I get belligerent, obnoxious, hateful, and sad. This is when I wake up wanting to die. But sometimes the world is beautiful and my mind is at peace and drinking is not even that interesting to me.
I feel at peace today. The temperature has been hovering around the mid-60s, there is a lovely breeze, and not a cloud to be seen. Do I dare believe that it is fall? This summer has been so oppressive, and I'm not just referring to the weather. It's nice to wear a hoodie again. I'm going to make zucchini muffins, iron my work pants, buy some coolant so I can actually get the car to the mechanic's tomorrow (I hope,) and try to spend as much time as I can outside. Fall blows the cobwebs and condensation out of my soul, just like spring.
I also didn't need to drink a bottle of wine, but the effects were minimal. It's actually pretty boring to sit on my front steps all night, drinking wine, and smoking way too many cigarettes. I sat on my front steps yesterday and read the Sunday paper for about 3 hours (I feel so informed!) which was way more interesting. Sometimes my brain yearns to be just shut off. Drinking is the best way to do that. On Saturday night I watched Doctor Who episodes until about 3am because I knew that if I just laid down and shut my eyes I would have a massive panic attack. Sometimes the consciousness needs to be shut down for awhile, it's as if my brain doesn't want to be around me. I bore myself. But not always! Sometimes the world is endlessly interesting and I can space out on that and feel good. Other times I want to claw my way out of my own head.
This is something I recognize and need to work on. This affects how I interact with other people, and how I interact with mind-altering substances. I drink like I am on a mission when reality becomes too much. That is when I get belligerent, obnoxious, hateful, and sad. This is when I wake up wanting to die. But sometimes the world is beautiful and my mind is at peace and drinking is not even that interesting to me.
I feel at peace today. The temperature has been hovering around the mid-60s, there is a lovely breeze, and not a cloud to be seen. Do I dare believe that it is fall? This summer has been so oppressive, and I'm not just referring to the weather. It's nice to wear a hoodie again. I'm going to make zucchini muffins, iron my work pants, buy some coolant so I can actually get the car to the mechanic's tomorrow (I hope,) and try to spend as much time as I can outside. Fall blows the cobwebs and condensation out of my soul, just like spring.
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