Sometimes a loss is the best thing that can happen.  In December it will have been four years since I first met C.  Four years.  Now I am back to where I started.  No wait, I'm not at all.  It's easy to fall into that mindset though.  If you don't have any definitive benchmarks in growth to look at then it all just seems to run together.  I'm not the same, but I am, because time to me isn't totally linear. 
I'm smarter, kinder, and more prone to laughter (especially when it's inappropriate.)  I've learned what it's like to love someone as a person.  I've also learned what it's like to really dislike the things that someone does but still like them as a person. 
These are good things I think...or at least they are things that I've learned, which you know, learning is positive, right?  Anyway, I don't know what has changed but I am finally able to look at the past four years somewhat objectively.  There are a lot of things I could have done differently.  Taking care of myself a bit more, so as to not take my own self loathing out on others.  Keeping in mind that just because you have a blast getting blasted with someone it doesn't mean that it's true love, and neither do the co-dependant hangovers.  Expressing myself more, maybe thinking about my feelings instead of just bottling them up, leading to the inevitable explosion.  These are my flaws, but they were not the only ones in the relationship. 
Sometimes I wonder if the whole thing didn't mess with my head a bit.  C is the type of person who likes to give off the air that he is flawed, but is totally okay with it which somehow cancels the flaws out.  He is so relaxed, he is so laid back, he is okay with the way things are and if not then he is not afraid to talk about them.  (This is all according to HIM.)  I am closed off, etc.  It's hard to look at a relationship and realize that you really could have tried harder, but you didn't and the main reason why it didn't work is because of YOU.  But it takes two to tango.  After a few relationships like this I wonder if I am trying too hard to love people that deep down I don't really love.  I dive into things pretty quickly, I always have (helloooo addictive personality) and I think this might be an issue.  Usually by the time I find someone I like and have things in common with, I'm so damn lonely that I just grab on.  The men are usually okay and roll with it.  Maybe the fact that C and I drank so much together was a symptom and not a cause of problems. 
The thing to remember right now is this:  We were not adding anything positive to eachothers lives.  Not anymore.  We may have at one time, but the past few months have been pretty silly when it comes down to it.  I moved out in April and we've been pussy-footing around for over four months.  Wow.  I don't want to drink anymore.  I honestly don't want someone in my life to drink with and tell my problems to and pass out with.  Because I want to be with myself, and stop escaping.   I want to think about my own problems and fall asleep on my own.  I don't want to be selfish, but I want to take care of myself.  It's time to be alone for awhile.  REALLY alone.  As in, no men.    Ugh.  There is going to be all kinds of sexual frustration up in here.