I have been on auto-pilot for the past four years.  This is a hell of a truth to confront.  I've been in a relationship with the best drinking buddy an alcoholic girl could have that continued even after I got my own place.  On Friday it ended for good; there was drinking, yelling, shaming, and general ass-making of both of us.  I should feel fear and sadness, but really I just feel relieved.  We've been in relationship purgatory for a long time. 
I project my shit onto others, but deep down I know that I am responsible for my own actions.  However, it's really hard to change and take care of myself when I am with someone that has no desire to change.  My first ever sober date was August 14, 2010.  I lasted just short of six months, we were still living together.  His transparent support should have been my first clue.  (As in yay, I'm proud of you but I am going to keep drinking like a fish.)  I went to bars, and was TOTALLY OKAY with him drinking, almost to prove how EASY sobriety was.  It wasn't, but I couldn't let myself acknowledge that.  I didn't stick to it and now I am back to where I started.  Granted, I am older, wiser, and a little bit more knowledgable about what I need to do for myself in order to be sober and okay. 
I loved him, but I know that things need to be different and change is less likely with him around.  Now it's all on me, which is a good thing.  I am tired of being drunk, lazy, cranky, sad, and unhealthy.  I am tired of this emotional rollercoaster.  I am really just very, very tired.  I don't really know what I'm going to do.  I did the AA thing last time, but I'm not much of a joiner and felt a bit alienated by the "My Way or the Highway" mentality that I found in many groups.  I'd like to get more exercise, take care of my body and my mind.  Maybe go to a meeting or two, who knows.  All that is certain is that I need to be emotionally self-reliant for the first time in a long time and start building myself up again.  Maybe this time I'll do it right.  I am not a blogger, but yesterday I spent almost all day reading recovery and spiritual writing online.  It helped a lot, and maybe I can help someone too.  I really have to help myself right now and I think putting things down here is a step in the right direction