I worry sometimes that I will get so used to doing things alone that I won't be able to get used to having people around if the opportunity were to present itself.  This weekend I went to the fair alone (which was awesome and I got to do what I wanted to do instead of tagging along with a bunch of people and kids and spending most of the time at the carnival like in past trips,) went shopping, cooked, read, went out for breakfast, and saw a movie.  All alone.  It was a pretty good time.  No stress.  Spending time with the people that I have been spending time with lately has been more stress than pleasure so it's nice to get back to doing things alone.  However, I can see myself being the woman that just does her thing and doesn't reach out to anyone.  Which is good, except when it gets to the point where not only do I choose not to reach out, but am unable to.  I am already kind of like that, more isolation probably isn't good for me.
BUT tonight I finally figured out how to download torrents and am watching Misfits, a British TV series that is like Heroes but better because they have accents.  Or something.  It's pretty good. 
Things are good, I haven't been as physically active as I'd like to be but taking the bus involves walking, so there's that.  I accepted an invitation to go to this fancy awards dinner for work in mid-September and need to buy a dress.  My sister is going to help me because I am not good at the fashion and can't really judge things on my body.  Especially something like a dress, which I don't usually wear.  I am thinking little and black with red accents/accessories.  Not too terribly adventerous, I know but for me it's a step.  Fitting the girls into a dress that is work appropriate sounds like a daunting task to be honest. 

HEY HEY.  Guess who didn't need a re-cap of all of the super assy and mean things that she did on Friday night via email by the dude that she broke up with?  Guess who didn't need to be told that she needs to work on her anger issues?  Guess who already remembers and knows about all of that and didn't need to be told by a self-rightous alcoholic in denial who apparently never does anything wrong? 
This girl. 
Ugh.  I was trying to keep it civil and he sent me a long ass email at work about all of my flaws.  SO.  UNECESSARY.  But I was thinking about a few things.  I really behaved badly when I was drunk last Friday.  I am very embarassed.  Is alcohol something that makes me an asshole or deep down am I really an asshole and alcohol just makes it come out?  How can this be remedied?  I know I shouldn't drink but it seems like bottling up my inner jerk instead of exploring the issues.  But what are the issues?  I know that I am very insecure and when I am drunk I really crave attention, whether it be by talking too much or slutting it up. 
(Oh my god, I am watching TV and this lady has been pregnant and through labor 18 times.  She has been pregnant for at least 13 years of her life.)
Anyway,  I don't want to get drunk anymore because when I hit that drunken shit spot and I'm in public I turn into an intense, loud, usually rude attention whore who vomits out her feelings no matter what the result.  I am not like this when I am sober.  If anything, I try to avoid attracting attention.  My insecurity is something I need to deal with, because it's still there if I'm not drinking, it just doesn't manifest in such an obnoxious way.  To work on this I can:  Write stuff out here, exercise, develop skills and knowledge that challenge me and avoid drowning my feelings with booze. 
I rode a bike tonight, am in line for a year long project/promotion at my job, and haven't been drinking.  Yay.  Sometimes I wonder if I have hormone issues though because towards the end of every month I'm productive and feeling good.  From about the 15th through 20th of the month I felt like crap and wanted to die.  This is something I need to look into.
I guess I'm glad that the door with this relationship has been shut so definitively.  There is some hositility on both sides which stinks.  I will not let myself feel resentful of him and will not let the anger take over my feelings. 
Also, I haven't rode a bike for years and my lady bits and thighs are going to hurt so bad tomorrow.

I just found out that I have a coolant leak coming from the water pump on my car.  My "guy" is not available to fix it until after Labor Day.  Do I suck it up and go without a car for the next two weeks (including four vacation days I took off) or pay extra to get it fixed?  I don't really have much extra right now.
The good thing about not having a car is that I spend less money.  Not counting bus fare, I can't make extra, random trips to the store, and have to plan ahead what I'm going to eat and buy.  Plus, I can't go to the liquor store.  Which I haven't really wanted to.  C sent me an email saying he wasn't sure if we had anything to talk about, it hurts, I'm awesome, if I ever need anything to call him, etc.  I wrote back that no, we didn't have anything to talk about and it's pretty silly that we thought spending time together wouldn't be stressful.  We used to be in a relationship, now we're not.  There's stress inherent in that fact, and it probably wasn't a good idea for us to make a habit out of talking or spending time together anymore.  Yay?  Okay.
I don't really know anyone in this city though.  I used to borrow his car when mine was broken, sometimes we would carpool to work.  Oh well. 
I'm sitting on the front porch staring at my car right now.  Damn you car.  I am going to dust my bike off and see if I can get it in working order.  The brakes need to be tightened, and I am not mechanical, but yay internet!  If I could get used to biking and bussing everywhere, I would actually be pretty okay without having a car.  Lord knows I have a lot of time on my hands lately. 
When it rains it pours.

I forgot to put deodorant on this morning.  I forgot my earrings this morning.  I forgot to bring one of the delicious turkey wraps that my sister brought home from work with me for lunch today. 
My car overheated last night so I am taking the bus today and I pushed snooze too many times and missed the first bus.  I am 39 minutes late for work but no one is around so that's not a big deal.
I think I brushed my teeth.  Now I have to go put my makeup on in the bathroom.
Pushing snooze 12 times (an extra hour of sleep that is interrupted every 5 minutes) is not worth coming to work disheveled, late, stanky, and hungry.  I need to start looking at my decisions in a pro/con sort of way.  I would feel much better this morning if I would have woke up with my 5:45 alarm.  I would have been able to get ready and make the 6:56 bus with at least a cup of coffee's worth of caffeine coursing through my veins.  But now it's like I am still half asleep. 
CAUSE=EFFECT

Oh also?  I pulled out my old Big Book out of curiosity about my last sobriety date.  It was August 19th, and if I remember correctly I later found out that the sobriety date should be your first day sober, not the last time you drank.  I don't know why I didn't get that but whatever, I think I may have had the day wrong.  So my last sobriety date was August 20, 2010.  The last time I drank was on Friday, so I guess my new sobriety date is August 20, 2011.  I am not sure if I will count days, maybe at first, but seriously how weird is that?

Sometimes a loss is the best thing that can happen.  In December it will have been four years since I first met C.  Four years.  Now I am back to where I started.  No wait, I'm not at all.  It's easy to fall into that mindset though.  If you don't have any definitive benchmarks in growth to look at then it all just seems to run together.  I'm not the same, but I am, because time to me isn't totally linear. 
I'm smarter, kinder, and more prone to laughter (especially when it's inappropriate.)  I've learned what it's like to love someone as a person.  I've also learned what it's like to really dislike the things that someone does but still like them as a person. 
These are good things I think...or at least they are things that I've learned, which you know, learning is positive, right?  Anyway, I don't know what has changed but I am finally able to look at the past four years somewhat objectively.  There are a lot of things I could have done differently.  Taking care of myself a bit more, so as to not take my own self loathing out on others.  Keeping in mind that just because you have a blast getting blasted with someone it doesn't mean that it's true love, and neither do the co-dependant hangovers.  Expressing myself more, maybe thinking about my feelings instead of just bottling them up, leading to the inevitable explosion.  These are my flaws, but they were not the only ones in the relationship. 
Sometimes I wonder if the whole thing didn't mess with my head a bit.  C is the type of person who likes to give off the air that he is flawed, but is totally okay with it which somehow cancels the flaws out.  He is so relaxed, he is so laid back, he is okay with the way things are and if not then he is not afraid to talk about them.  (This is all according to HIM.)  I am closed off, etc.  It's hard to look at a relationship and realize that you really could have tried harder, but you didn't and the main reason why it didn't work is because of YOU.  But it takes two to tango.  After a few relationships like this I wonder if I am trying too hard to love people that deep down I don't really love.  I dive into things pretty quickly, I always have (helloooo addictive personality) and I think this might be an issue.  Usually by the time I find someone I like and have things in common with, I'm so damn lonely that I just grab on.  The men are usually okay and roll with it.  Maybe the fact that C and I drank so much together was a symptom and not a cause of problems. 
The thing to remember right now is this:  We were not adding anything positive to eachothers lives.  Not anymore.  We may have at one time, but the past few months have been pretty silly when it comes down to it.  I moved out in April and we've been pussy-footing around for over four months.  Wow.  I don't want to drink anymore.  I honestly don't want someone in my life to drink with and tell my problems to and pass out with.  Because I want to be with myself, and stop escaping.   I want to think about my own problems and fall asleep on my own.  I don't want to be selfish, but I want to take care of myself.  It's time to be alone for awhile.  REALLY alone.  As in, no men.    Ugh.  There is going to be all kinds of sexual frustration up in here.

Steppin' Out Radio

Here are the show archives of Steppin' Out Radio.  There's about 300 pages of old shows.  Listening to the stories of other people in recovery is helpful for me, especially when I'm feeling really alone.

TO DO:
Get off the couch (and off the internet)
Do an aspirin face mask and clean up my bedroom
Shower
Pour gin down sink, scoop out the catbox, bring out the trash
Cook rice and beans
Paint toenails
Iron outfit for tomorrow
Send out reports for work
AA Meeting at 7pm (Yes, I'm going to do it.  I need something today.)

There will be music.

"Because there is no pill which alone can cure addiction, choosing recovery over unhealthy behaviors is necessary...This "choosing recovery" is akin to people with heart disease who may not choose the underlying genetic causes of their heart problems but do need to choose to eat healthier or begin exercising, in addition to medical or surgical interventions"
-  Dr. Raju Hajala in Addiction Now Defined as Chronic Brain Disorder (MSNBC.com article)

I have always had a bit of trouble with the disease concept of alcoholism because it's hard to wrap my head around the idea of someone healing themself of a chronic disease.  Thinking of addiction as an illness that one can take action to prevent or control is heartening.  It makes sense.  I have high cholesterol, so I try not to eat too much fattening food (well, not lately, but I really should.)  I may not be able to change how my body reacts to certain input, but by controlling and limiting that input I can avoid the reaction.  That's what it really comes down to.  Why must we always complicate things? 

I have been on auto-pilot for the past four years.  This is a hell of a truth to confront.  I've been in a relationship with the best drinking buddy an alcoholic girl could have that continued even after I got my own place.  On Friday it ended for good; there was drinking, yelling, shaming, and general ass-making of both of us.  I should feel fear and sadness, but really I just feel relieved.  We've been in relationship purgatory for a long time. 
I project my shit onto others, but deep down I know that I am responsible for my own actions.  However, it's really hard to change and take care of myself when I am with someone that has no desire to change.  My first ever sober date was August 14, 2010.  I lasted just short of six months, we were still living together.  His transparent support should have been my first clue.  (As in yay, I'm proud of you but I am going to keep drinking like a fish.)  I went to bars, and was TOTALLY OKAY with him drinking, almost to prove how EASY sobriety was.  It wasn't, but I couldn't let myself acknowledge that.  I didn't stick to it and now I am back to where I started.  Granted, I am older, wiser, and a little bit more knowledgable about what I need to do for myself in order to be sober and okay. 
I loved him, but I know that things need to be different and change is less likely with him around.  Now it's all on me, which is a good thing.  I am tired of being drunk, lazy, cranky, sad, and unhealthy.  I am tired of this emotional rollercoaster.  I am really just very, very tired.  I don't really know what I'm going to do.  I did the AA thing last time, but I'm not much of a joiner and felt a bit alienated by the "My Way or the Highway" mentality that I found in many groups.  I'd like to get more exercise, take care of my body and my mind.  Maybe go to a meeting or two, who knows.  All that is certain is that I need to be emotionally self-reliant for the first time in a long time and start building myself up again.  Maybe this time I'll do it right.  I am not a blogger, but yesterday I spent almost all day reading recovery and spiritual writing online.  It helped a lot, and maybe I can help someone too.  I really have to help myself right now and I think putting things down here is a step in the right direction