Dear 2011,
You were really not so bad.  It seems like most people want to say that you sucked and that 2012 will either be totally great or suck just as much, etc.  But you know what?  You were not so bad.  I broke up with my bf, moved into a pretty cute apartment with my sister, stayed friends with the bf and had some fun with my sister.  Got a raise at work and more responsibility, which led to me getting a new (to me) car which I think might be having some problems but that is a story for another day. 
You know what I learned this year?  That when I am myself things are okay.  I might nerd out, I might not be the life of the party, but things are good.  People are okay and not that scary, they aren't all judging me and I need to just have a good time.  
You know what I've learned from writing this post?  That I need to think about things more and maybe write about them in order to figure them out. 
New Years Resolutions:  Write more, think about things.  Cook more and pack my lunches.  Get more exercise (I have my fitness orientation scheduled at my new gym on 1/2,) live within a budget, keep in touch with my family more.  Basically chill out when I can, work hard when I have to, and journal.  I used to journal a lot and I stopped because things changed and I stopped being so self absorbed.  But maybe it's not such a bad thing to examine myself, etc. 
Anyway, this is what I'm doing on NYE.  Watching HIMYM on Netflix and having cocktails.  Wondering how I'm going to kill the next 3 hours.  I kind of want to be around other people, but I don't want to go out.  Yay.  Happy New Year! 

It's my birthday today!  Yaaaaay.  I'm 32.  Whoa, not yaaaay.
I would like to spend time thinking about all of the valuable things that I've learned this year but I can't really think of any.  I am more comfortable with myself and other people, I feel like I have things to offer.  I don't judge myself in comparision to other people as much anymore, but then again, I don't really push myself to do anything either.  Overall, it's been a good year and although my health isn't great and I could use some work on mindfulness and working on some feelings I'm pretty happy. 
Things I would like to work on this year:
Honestly, I would like to lose weight.  But for once it's not for purely asthetic reasons.  I am getting older and it will continue to get harder to move about, etc.  I would like to put more effort into feeling good physically.  I would like to move more, whether it be walking, running, yoga, etc.  I just want to do stuff, spend more time outdoors, and feel stronger.
I would like to put more effort into eating better and laying off of the night time snack sessions where I'm too awake to go to bed but too lazy to do anything else but eat.  My goal is at least 5 servings of fruits/vegetables per day right now.  I'm not even really sure what a serving of vegetables is but I would like to learn more about food as delicious fuel, not a time filler. 
I would like to take my vitamins every day.
I would like to quit smoking.
I would like to stick to a money budget better, I don't have much savings and for the next 6 months I'll be making more money so now is a good time to squirrel away savings. 
Then, the fun stuff.  I would like to go visit my mom in Louisiana and my family in Texas.
I would like to buy an acoustic guitar to toodle around on.

It seems like it would be easy to do these things.  I am an armchair planner.  Things seem easy when you are lying in bed writing about them on the internet, but when it comes to everyday life things are a little bit harder to deal with.  Plans are harder to stick to after a long day of work.  But everything is cyclical and every effort affects other efforts.  For example, if I were to get some walking in on a regular basis I would feel stronger and have more energy, therefore I wouldn't feel so tired after work and be able to cook more healthy things, and be able to walk again in the evenings if I wasn't ready to crash at 5pm.
It would be wise to consider decisions in the present as effects in the future.   Make tomorrow me love today me.  I think this is a worthy and not too lofty goal. 

Unfuck Your Life

My life isn't really that fucked.  In fact, it's pretty good.  If I were to actually engage and take action on some things it would be great. 
After a few months of relative moderation, as in I only had wine at home on weekends every once and a while, it's gone back to drinking rum with C at the bar on a weekend.  And sometimes happy hours.  I have been hungover to work a few times in the past month and I do not feel good about that.  Friday was a debaucherous night of bar ridiculousness, staying up into the wee hours, and wasting an entire Saturday recovering.  My job has become much more demanding in the past few months and will remain so until next October at least.  BUT I got a raise for the next year and it's a good one and I just bought a new car and gave my old one to my sister.  Things are good.  I am able to do good things for myself and others.  I just realized that my life is GOOD but it's mostly circumstantial.  I do not go out of my way to make it so.  And that really sucks.  Anyway, here are some things I will do today to unfuck my life:
Drink all of the water
Sweep and mop my kitchen
Clean out my fridge
Go to the store for poblano and chili pepper, limes, fire roasted tomatoes, and freezer bags
Make turkey dumpling soup, smoked chipotle turkey soup, and turkey chili (if I have enough turkey.)  Freeze the last two.
Dye hair
Return movies to library, look for some good motivational books?
Buy a newspaper
Go for a walk with C later this afternoon
Drive by the gym on Central and write down the phone number

I can't do another rum soaked holiday season.  Things could be so much better if I just put some effort and thought into them. 

It's been awhile.  Hey sobriety blog, how are you?  I'm not sober.  I'm just going to be honest.  My job changed and I am actually excited about it right now.  I've been waking up at 5:30 am and going for walks and actually eating breakfast at home.  I drink once a week.  I probably don't need to, but it's become routine.  I don't drink 3 times a week until I can't see, I drink a bottle of wine per week.  Usually on weekends.  I'm not making excuses.  I know I'm an alcoholic.  But you know, I know that I can't stop drinking once I start but...what am I doing?  I've read a dozen books and heard other....

My post was just erased.  Here is a summary of the things I wrote that no one will read:  I know I have a problem, but things are kind of awesome right now without booze.  Well, with a bottle of wine once a week.  Job is great, I feel good.  Not sure what to say about it.  Is The Big Bang funny?  I feel like it's trying too hard.  I have laughed, but I'm not sure.  Everything sounds like an excuse when it comes to drinking unless I quit cold turkey and start going to meetings every day.  I can't do that.  I was really really unhappy.  And not just not drinking unhappy.  I'm not a joiner.  I loved the meetings and would feel good while I was there, but I am just not willing to let strangers in... I don't know. I am not good at commitments that I do not look forward to.  I don't know.  I have had a bottle of wine, one hit of pot, and a beer tonight.  I won't be doing the 5:30 walk tomorrow, but I do love it.  I only drink at home,  because I hate the old bars now. 
I've decided that I'm going to work my ass off, drink a bottle of wine per week, walk and get up early the other days, and take guests as I see fit, and see how that works.  It will be empty to an extent, but my contract is for a year.  Save money, take care of myself, rock it out. 

This is probably one of the stupidest things that I have written.  Only because I am 31 years old and these thoughts came to me this morning like a bolt of lightning.  This is something that I should have realized a long time ago.  Do people know this?  Is this a part of the lives of others?  Why hasn't anyone told me about it?
Anyway, this morning I woke up late (totally on purpose, I love my snooze button) and stressed out in my car the whole way to work.  I had to be here at 8am to let some people into the office and it was rainy this morning so it wasn't looking good.  I got here at 8:04  but that's besides the point.  I was seriously MAD.  Mad at the traffic, mad at stupid people driving slowly, mad at myself for waking up late, but most of all mad at myself for being so MAD.  I mean, there wasn't anything I could do about it by the time I was in my car and stuck in traffic.  What is wrong with me that I could get so mad about something I can't change?  I am just an angry and terrible person! 
We were out of coffee at the office this morning and I drove up to the drugstore to get some.  I have to cross a very busy street at a stoplight and drivers were stopping in the middle of the intersection instead of waiting behind.  I waited through two green lights unable to get across the street.  WHAT IS WRONG WIHT THESE PEOPLE WHERE DO THEY THINK THEY ARE GOING TO GO? 
What is wrong with me that I want to jump out of my car and start swinging a bat?
It hit me.  I was so much calmer when my car was busted and I took the bus.  I don't like driving in the morning and I don't like driving in the city.  Especially towards the end of the month when I'm wicked hormonal.  I should keep taking the bus.
I feel stressed out and rushed when I abuse my snooze button.  It throws off my whole day.  Instead of wishing that I could change my reaction, I should just wake up on time. 
I made a fool out of myself this weekend by drinking too much at a work function and beat myself up about it all weekend.  It never feels good to hate yourself.  Instead of wishing I had more love and forgiveness for myself maybe I should do things that allow me to love myself. 
I guess what I'm saying is that instead of assuming that I'm a bad person because I don't react to bad situations in a healthy way maybe I could put more effort into changing the external issues that cause me stress. 
Driving in the morning stresses me out: --> Ride the bus
Rushing to work stresses me out --> Wake up on time
Being hungover sucks --> Don't drink
Feeling unhealthy brings me down --> Make an effort to exercise and eat right
Being broke is stressful --> Pay more attention to finances
Snapping at my sister and my mom makes me feel really bad -->Don't drink --> Don't mess up and make them worry-->Don't snap and get defensive when they bring it up 
I mean, this all seems so obvious, right?  I realize however that I always think about the things I "should" be doing differently just for the sake of doing them.  Because this is what "should" be done.  BUT the effects of these actions are inevitable and I think I forget about them.  I can feel better about myself, healthier, have more money, and less stress...not by changing my reactions to things, but by actually changing the things that solicit reactions. 
So yeah.  That's something. Doing the dishes makes the whole house look better and it's not hard so why not do it?  Small changes can affect bigger things and I do have some control over my life.  Granted, I don't have total control but the things that I can change are there for the changing. 
TL:DR  Driving stresses me out.  I think I will start taking the bus even if I have a choice in the matter.
The end.

Comfort food:
Hamburger Helper with a side of smushy white bread with cheap margarine on it.  Also acceptable without hamburger.  When my parents got divorced we'd eat "Helper" at my dad's house every weekend.  Just Helper. 

Instant mashed potatoes, brown gravy (the powdered kind from a packet,) and corn.  Canned or frozen are both acceptable.  Meat is optional, meatballs or meatloaf with lots of filler are ideal. 

Skillet fried potatoes and scrambled eggs with leftover bratwurst from yesterdays grilling mixed in.

Strawberries or raspberries in a little bowl with a sugar bowl on the side just in case.  (This one is from Grandma.  If you include a tiny Little Debbie cinnamon roll or single powdered sugar donut I will love you forever. Oh and a tiny little glass of juice.)

Comfort food:  You are cheap (because we were poor) and you make me so much happier than anything else. I need more of this in my life.

Also, breakfast for dinner!

Here's something.  It's Friday night and I am all...I'm loooonnnnely.  BUT If I had the option to go out and do something I probably wouldn't because deep down I am more comfortable smoking and internetting on the porch than I would be making new friends.  Way more comfortable.  I have a comfort zone that is extremely SMALL and no platonic friends.  I need to stop feeling sorry for myself for feeling so lonely because it's my own fault.  I should just be glad that I am not in the midst of some massive discomfort hanging out with people that I am not totally comfortable with.  Ew.  This makes me hate myself a little bit.  A lot.  I have been anti-Keran all day long and it's not looking to get any better.  I guess I will do a crossword puzzle and read myself to sleep.  At 7pm on a Friday.  That's right. 
Does it count as loneliness if you willfully alienate everyone you come into contact with?

What I'm trying to say is that I just shot K a text.  Should I just go chat it up with the dudes working on the road in front of my house?  Kidding.  But who decided that it was super easy for ladies to get some physical satisfaction?  I mean QUALITY satisfaction.  For serious. That is such bullshit.

It seems unfair that any internet advice regarding booty calls is for men and how to keep a booty call woman happy and available.  I'm actually finding most of this advice offensive.  What what?  What about us ladies that want to booty call?  I think society thinks that women don't have to booty call because they can just go out and pick up a dude.  But what if you don't want to pick up a dude? What if you want something tried and true without the getting to know you crap?  Without the chance of putting yourself out there for a crap lay?  Not cool internet, not cool. Plus, I haven't had a one night stand since my early twenties.  Why?  Because they always involve alcohol, unfulfilled-ed-ness, and shame.  Ew, no.  The only way I could sleep with someone I don't know is if I was bombed out of my skull and that is not the way I am anymore.  At all.

Well.  I've had a glass of wine because that is what I have in the house and I am not going out for more and that's okay.  But all of a sudden, halfway through that glass of wine I get the mad urge to call my friend K. We talked on Facebook chat earlier today.  K of the first "real" relationship I've ever had that lasted a year in real-life and about three years physically. 
I'm trying to decide if this urge comes from a place where I want attention and someone to talk to if I've had a glass of wine or if I really want to talk to him.  Or if I have just not even seen a peen for about a month now.  The bad thing about being used to sex on the regular for the past seven years is that it is a bit of a revelation to be without it.  Even when I wasn't in a relationship I would keep an ace in the hole (which is a super bad but somewhat accurate metaphor) to get down with.  The bad thing about K is that he says he wants to get married and have all of my babies.  He really doesn't, he just is from a large Catholic family and is getting older and has not yet procreated and I think it's getting to him and I am a fertile good time.  We would kill eachother if we were ever to be serious, I have told him that a thousand times but he just wants to reproduce with someone who is as good as is available at this time.  What?  Yes.
He knows I don't want anything serious.  I know that we always had a pretty good time.  Sometimes I feel like he hasn't really committed himself to anyone because we worked really well on a day to day and the sex was awesome and he seems to think that he is the only one that I should really be with.  This is my ego talking.  But really, I would be so happy for him to marry a nice girl and have all kinds of babies.  But I would also be happy to get together for old time sake maybe once or twice.  Ugh.  I am a jerk of the highest order and it's not just the glass of wine, it's the needing attention and I need to get over it.  

Every Fall is a New Beginning

I grew up and now live where there is no mistaking the changing of the seasons.  I have once lived where seasons run together and realized afterwards that something big had been missing.  I am physically programmed to sense the passage of time by the changing of the seasons, the feeling of weather changing is so visceral to me, it affects every part of me.
Winter and Summer are the Big Ones.  The longest seasons, the ones that are most extreme.  Winter is bitter, long, and dark.  The mind goes into hibernation mode, but every once and a while is interrupted by a day of sun and sparkling fresh snow.  Summer is beautiful, but hot.  You spend a month feeling sticky and lethargic.  You feel like you should be doing something BIG and Take Advantage of Summer.  But you don't and feel kind of guilty about it, even the things that you do don't measure up to the definition of summer in your mind, which was formed when you were a child and it seemed like endless days of freedom and exploration stretched in front of you.  It will never again be like that and it makes you sad.  You no longer have friends that are willing to stretch out on the grass for an hour and feel funny doing it alone.
But fall and spring, these are the transitional seasons.  The short ones, that no one really thinks about.  The glory of summer and the agony of winter eclipse the sweet fleeting days of autumn and spring.  To many people autumn and spring are merely seen as a stepping stone to something else, something big.  This is understandable, but for me these seasons mean change, from snow to grass, from hot to cool, from green to red, from dead to alive.  It touches a place in me that craves change, and for things to be interesting and varied.  It also makes me want to change, to make things better, to go along with Mother Nature for the ride.

I talked to C on Thursday.  I had drank a bottle of wine and he texted me, so I called him.  I probably didn't need to do that but the thing is I don't feel angry anymore which is refreshing.  I had been walking around with hard little pebbles of anger in my belly since the fight, which is something that doesn't improve one's outlook on things. Being angry however, is the ultimate motivator of manic action.  But I don't want manic action, I just want to be okay and get things done.
I also didn't need to drink a bottle of wine, but the effects were minimal.  It's actually pretty boring to sit on my front steps all night, drinking wine, and smoking way too many cigarettes.  I sat on my front steps yesterday and read the Sunday paper for about 3 hours (I feel so informed!) which was way more interesting.  Sometimes my brain yearns to be just shut off.  Drinking is the best way to do that.  On Saturday night I watched Doctor Who episodes until about 3am because I knew that if I just laid down and shut my eyes I would have a massive panic attack.  Sometimes the consciousness needs to be shut down for awhile, it's as if my brain doesn't want to be around me.  I bore myself.  But not always!  Sometimes the world is endlessly interesting and I can space out on that and feel good.  Other times I want to claw my way out of my own head. 
This is something I recognize and need to work on.  This affects how I interact with other people, and how I interact with mind-altering substances.  I drink like I am on a mission when reality becomes too much.  That is when I get belligerent, obnoxious, hateful, and sad.  This is when I wake up wanting to die.  But sometimes the world is beautiful and my mind is at peace and drinking is not even that interesting to me. 
I feel at peace today.  The temperature has been hovering around the mid-60s, there is a lovely breeze, and not a cloud to be seen.  Do I dare believe that it is fall?  This summer has been so oppressive, and I'm not just referring to the weather.  It's nice to wear a hoodie again.  I'm going to make zucchini muffins, iron my work pants, buy some coolant so I can actually get the car to the mechanic's tomorrow (I hope,) and try to spend as much time as I can outside.  Fall blows the cobwebs and condensation out of my soul, just like spring. 

I worry sometimes that I will get so used to doing things alone that I won't be able to get used to having people around if the opportunity were to present itself.  This weekend I went to the fair alone (which was awesome and I got to do what I wanted to do instead of tagging along with a bunch of people and kids and spending most of the time at the carnival like in past trips,) went shopping, cooked, read, went out for breakfast, and saw a movie.  All alone.  It was a pretty good time.  No stress.  Spending time with the people that I have been spending time with lately has been more stress than pleasure so it's nice to get back to doing things alone.  However, I can see myself being the woman that just does her thing and doesn't reach out to anyone.  Which is good, except when it gets to the point where not only do I choose not to reach out, but am unable to.  I am already kind of like that, more isolation probably isn't good for me.
BUT tonight I finally figured out how to download torrents and am watching Misfits, a British TV series that is like Heroes but better because they have accents.  Or something.  It's pretty good. 
Things are good, I haven't been as physically active as I'd like to be but taking the bus involves walking, so there's that.  I accepted an invitation to go to this fancy awards dinner for work in mid-September and need to buy a dress.  My sister is going to help me because I am not good at the fashion and can't really judge things on my body.  Especially something like a dress, which I don't usually wear.  I am thinking little and black with red accents/accessories.  Not too terribly adventerous, I know but for me it's a step.  Fitting the girls into a dress that is work appropriate sounds like a daunting task to be honest. 

HEY HEY.  Guess who didn't need a re-cap of all of the super assy and mean things that she did on Friday night via email by the dude that she broke up with?  Guess who didn't need to be told that she needs to work on her anger issues?  Guess who already remembers and knows about all of that and didn't need to be told by a self-rightous alcoholic in denial who apparently never does anything wrong? 
This girl. 
Ugh.  I was trying to keep it civil and he sent me a long ass email at work about all of my flaws.  SO.  UNECESSARY.  But I was thinking about a few things.  I really behaved badly when I was drunk last Friday.  I am very embarassed.  Is alcohol something that makes me an asshole or deep down am I really an asshole and alcohol just makes it come out?  How can this be remedied?  I know I shouldn't drink but it seems like bottling up my inner jerk instead of exploring the issues.  But what are the issues?  I know that I am very insecure and when I am drunk I really crave attention, whether it be by talking too much or slutting it up. 
(Oh my god, I am watching TV and this lady has been pregnant and through labor 18 times.  She has been pregnant for at least 13 years of her life.)
Anyway,  I don't want to get drunk anymore because when I hit that drunken shit spot and I'm in public I turn into an intense, loud, usually rude attention whore who vomits out her feelings no matter what the result.  I am not like this when I am sober.  If anything, I try to avoid attracting attention.  My insecurity is something I need to deal with, because it's still there if I'm not drinking, it just doesn't manifest in such an obnoxious way.  To work on this I can:  Write stuff out here, exercise, develop skills and knowledge that challenge me and avoid drowning my feelings with booze. 
I rode a bike tonight, am in line for a year long project/promotion at my job, and haven't been drinking.  Yay.  Sometimes I wonder if I have hormone issues though because towards the end of every month I'm productive and feeling good.  From about the 15th through 20th of the month I felt like crap and wanted to die.  This is something I need to look into.
I guess I'm glad that the door with this relationship has been shut so definitively.  There is some hositility on both sides which stinks.  I will not let myself feel resentful of him and will not let the anger take over my feelings. 
Also, I haven't rode a bike for years and my lady bits and thighs are going to hurt so bad tomorrow.

I just found out that I have a coolant leak coming from the water pump on my car.  My "guy" is not available to fix it until after Labor Day.  Do I suck it up and go without a car for the next two weeks (including four vacation days I took off) or pay extra to get it fixed?  I don't really have much extra right now.
The good thing about not having a car is that I spend less money.  Not counting bus fare, I can't make extra, random trips to the store, and have to plan ahead what I'm going to eat and buy.  Plus, I can't go to the liquor store.  Which I haven't really wanted to.  C sent me an email saying he wasn't sure if we had anything to talk about, it hurts, I'm awesome, if I ever need anything to call him, etc.  I wrote back that no, we didn't have anything to talk about and it's pretty silly that we thought spending time together wouldn't be stressful.  We used to be in a relationship, now we're not.  There's stress inherent in that fact, and it probably wasn't a good idea for us to make a habit out of talking or spending time together anymore.  Yay?  Okay.
I don't really know anyone in this city though.  I used to borrow his car when mine was broken, sometimes we would carpool to work.  Oh well. 
I'm sitting on the front porch staring at my car right now.  Damn you car.  I am going to dust my bike off and see if I can get it in working order.  The brakes need to be tightened, and I am not mechanical, but yay internet!  If I could get used to biking and bussing everywhere, I would actually be pretty okay without having a car.  Lord knows I have a lot of time on my hands lately. 
When it rains it pours.

I forgot to put deodorant on this morning.  I forgot my earrings this morning.  I forgot to bring one of the delicious turkey wraps that my sister brought home from work with me for lunch today. 
My car overheated last night so I am taking the bus today and I pushed snooze too many times and missed the first bus.  I am 39 minutes late for work but no one is around so that's not a big deal.
I think I brushed my teeth.  Now I have to go put my makeup on in the bathroom.
Pushing snooze 12 times (an extra hour of sleep that is interrupted every 5 minutes) is not worth coming to work disheveled, late, stanky, and hungry.  I need to start looking at my decisions in a pro/con sort of way.  I would feel much better this morning if I would have woke up with my 5:45 alarm.  I would have been able to get ready and make the 6:56 bus with at least a cup of coffee's worth of caffeine coursing through my veins.  But now it's like I am still half asleep. 
CAUSE=EFFECT

Oh also?  I pulled out my old Big Book out of curiosity about my last sobriety date.  It was August 19th, and if I remember correctly I later found out that the sobriety date should be your first day sober, not the last time you drank.  I don't know why I didn't get that but whatever, I think I may have had the day wrong.  So my last sobriety date was August 20, 2010.  The last time I drank was on Friday, so I guess my new sobriety date is August 20, 2011.  I am not sure if I will count days, maybe at first, but seriously how weird is that?

Sometimes a loss is the best thing that can happen.  In December it will have been four years since I first met C.  Four years.  Now I am back to where I started.  No wait, I'm not at all.  It's easy to fall into that mindset though.  If you don't have any definitive benchmarks in growth to look at then it all just seems to run together.  I'm not the same, but I am, because time to me isn't totally linear. 
I'm smarter, kinder, and more prone to laughter (especially when it's inappropriate.)  I've learned what it's like to love someone as a person.  I've also learned what it's like to really dislike the things that someone does but still like them as a person. 
These are good things I think...or at least they are things that I've learned, which you know, learning is positive, right?  Anyway, I don't know what has changed but I am finally able to look at the past four years somewhat objectively.  There are a lot of things I could have done differently.  Taking care of myself a bit more, so as to not take my own self loathing out on others.  Keeping in mind that just because you have a blast getting blasted with someone it doesn't mean that it's true love, and neither do the co-dependant hangovers.  Expressing myself more, maybe thinking about my feelings instead of just bottling them up, leading to the inevitable explosion.  These are my flaws, but they were not the only ones in the relationship. 
Sometimes I wonder if the whole thing didn't mess with my head a bit.  C is the type of person who likes to give off the air that he is flawed, but is totally okay with it which somehow cancels the flaws out.  He is so relaxed, he is so laid back, he is okay with the way things are and if not then he is not afraid to talk about them.  (This is all according to HIM.)  I am closed off, etc.  It's hard to look at a relationship and realize that you really could have tried harder, but you didn't and the main reason why it didn't work is because of YOU.  But it takes two to tango.  After a few relationships like this I wonder if I am trying too hard to love people that deep down I don't really love.  I dive into things pretty quickly, I always have (helloooo addictive personality) and I think this might be an issue.  Usually by the time I find someone I like and have things in common with, I'm so damn lonely that I just grab on.  The men are usually okay and roll with it.  Maybe the fact that C and I drank so much together was a symptom and not a cause of problems. 
The thing to remember right now is this:  We were not adding anything positive to eachothers lives.  Not anymore.  We may have at one time, but the past few months have been pretty silly when it comes down to it.  I moved out in April and we've been pussy-footing around for over four months.  Wow.  I don't want to drink anymore.  I honestly don't want someone in my life to drink with and tell my problems to and pass out with.  Because I want to be with myself, and stop escaping.   I want to think about my own problems and fall asleep on my own.  I don't want to be selfish, but I want to take care of myself.  It's time to be alone for awhile.  REALLY alone.  As in, no men.    Ugh.  There is going to be all kinds of sexual frustration up in here.

Steppin' Out Radio

Here are the show archives of Steppin' Out Radio.  There's about 300 pages of old shows.  Listening to the stories of other people in recovery is helpful for me, especially when I'm feeling really alone.

TO DO:
Get off the couch (and off the internet)
Do an aspirin face mask and clean up my bedroom
Shower
Pour gin down sink, scoop out the catbox, bring out the trash
Cook rice and beans
Paint toenails
Iron outfit for tomorrow
Send out reports for work
AA Meeting at 7pm (Yes, I'm going to do it.  I need something today.)

There will be music.

"Because there is no pill which alone can cure addiction, choosing recovery over unhealthy behaviors is necessary...This "choosing recovery" is akin to people with heart disease who may not choose the underlying genetic causes of their heart problems but do need to choose to eat healthier or begin exercising, in addition to medical or surgical interventions"
-  Dr. Raju Hajala in Addiction Now Defined as Chronic Brain Disorder (MSNBC.com article)

I have always had a bit of trouble with the disease concept of alcoholism because it's hard to wrap my head around the idea of someone healing themself of a chronic disease.  Thinking of addiction as an illness that one can take action to prevent or control is heartening.  It makes sense.  I have high cholesterol, so I try not to eat too much fattening food (well, not lately, but I really should.)  I may not be able to change how my body reacts to certain input, but by controlling and limiting that input I can avoid the reaction.  That's what it really comes down to.  Why must we always complicate things? 

I have been on auto-pilot for the past four years.  This is a hell of a truth to confront.  I've been in a relationship with the best drinking buddy an alcoholic girl could have that continued even after I got my own place.  On Friday it ended for good; there was drinking, yelling, shaming, and general ass-making of both of us.  I should feel fear and sadness, but really I just feel relieved.  We've been in relationship purgatory for a long time. 
I project my shit onto others, but deep down I know that I am responsible for my own actions.  However, it's really hard to change and take care of myself when I am with someone that has no desire to change.  My first ever sober date was August 14, 2010.  I lasted just short of six months, we were still living together.  His transparent support should have been my first clue.  (As in yay, I'm proud of you but I am going to keep drinking like a fish.)  I went to bars, and was TOTALLY OKAY with him drinking, almost to prove how EASY sobriety was.  It wasn't, but I couldn't let myself acknowledge that.  I didn't stick to it and now I am back to where I started.  Granted, I am older, wiser, and a little bit more knowledgable about what I need to do for myself in order to be sober and okay. 
I loved him, but I know that things need to be different and change is less likely with him around.  Now it's all on me, which is a good thing.  I am tired of being drunk, lazy, cranky, sad, and unhealthy.  I am tired of this emotional rollercoaster.  I am really just very, very tired.  I don't really know what I'm going to do.  I did the AA thing last time, but I'm not much of a joiner and felt a bit alienated by the "My Way or the Highway" mentality that I found in many groups.  I'd like to get more exercise, take care of my body and my mind.  Maybe go to a meeting or two, who knows.  All that is certain is that I need to be emotionally self-reliant for the first time in a long time and start building myself up again.  Maybe this time I'll do it right.  I am not a blogger, but yesterday I spent almost all day reading recovery and spiritual writing online.  It helped a lot, and maybe I can help someone too.  I really have to help myself right now and I think putting things down here is a step in the right direction