I've been sober for four days and I. AM. EXHAUSTED.  So tired, I can't even think straight.  I thought I'd have so much more energy if I wasn't drinking, but it's just not happening right now.  I have been eating a lot too, but that's not really anything different. 
I have a sink full of dishes, a bedroom full of mess, a lawn full of long grass, no lunch for tomorrow, and no energy.  But I'm sober, it's Wednesday, and Ghost Hunters is on Netflix.  I'll give it another half hour and then kick it up, even just for a few minutes. 

I'm going to my first counseling appt. tonight.  I'm not sure what to expect and am feeling pretty nervous.  I didn't go anywhere last night and will not go out drinking tonight, even though Tuesdays have become a bit of a thing lately. What?  Tuesday drinking is "a thing" now?  That can't be right.  I have never really talked to a counselor about my drinking.  I've gone for other things in the past, usually things that are exacerbated by drinking but always actively avoided talking about drinking.  It's time to just throw it out there and see what an impartial party says about it. 

It's been a dismal couple of months.  Ever since S died it's been out of control.  Usually I have at least a little bit of self control when it comes to self destruction but my party pants have been ON since May.  I haven't even felt guilty or like things should change, just hopeless and stuck.  Drinking "helps" lately because I get anxious when I'm alone and sober.  Even if I don't really feel like drinking I do it because I can.
Today is my first day at work after a week-long vacation that was actually pretty awful.  There were issues with my mom, who I hadn't seen for two years.  I feel very guilty that I can't love her as much as she wants but also resentful that she hasn't changed since I was a child.  There were at least 3 BIG DRINKING nights that ended in some crazy things happening.  I was so sick yesterday.
I can't do this anymore.  I'm so tired.  I'm so hopeless.  I won't drink today. 

I finally made the call to the program which allows employees to attend 3 free counseling sessions  to talk about stuff.  Drinking, death, anxiety for family, dealing.  Ugh.  I've never done counseling as an adult.  I did once, but I just cried the whole time and tried to not make myself look like a total bitch.  Which probably wasn't really constructive. 
I've been drinking a lot because I don't like to think.  When I think I get too anxious about my family, my age, taking care of things.  Fucking christ Sarah, you really messed me up.  Brought up a whole lot of anxiety things that I've been supressing my whole life.  I can't take care of everyone and that scares the hell out of me because if I don't try they might die like you did.  But trying is hard and acknowledging my failure as a friend/loved one is too daunting so...wine helps.  I don't know man.  I really need to talk to someone.

I miss you a lot.  I want to send this blog to you and laugh over it with you.  I would probably post a lot of pictures from it onto your Facebook page because I'm obnoxious and I want to make you laugh.  I wish you would have laughed more.  I wish I would have tried harder.  Now all I can do it have dreams about going to the movies with you and laughing and waking up and realizing that I'll never laugh with you again.  God dammit Sarah.  I keep thinking that I can change your mind and you'll come back, but you won't.  I really miss you.  I'm sorry you felt that you didn't deserve my friendship, sometimes I felt the same way because of bullshit from long ago, but I'm past that and the truth is you were so much fun to laugh with that the bullshit just kind of went away.  WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LET THINGS BE AWESOME.  You could have slept on my couch, I would have done anything for you...just talk, laugh, etc.  I don't know what I could have done to make you feel better, but I wish you would have reached out. 
Miss you monkey. 

I just took my vitamins.  Teeth were flossed last night.  I painted my nails and took my dog on a long walk.  I feel much better.  Let's see how long it lasts.
When do you stop thinking that you can still call someone up after they are gone? 

In Blackwater Woods

by Mary Oliver

Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars

of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,

the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders

of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is

nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned

in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side

is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

So today I've been thinking...is my lack of drive and depression because of my friend's death or am I using her death as an excuse to just let everything go by the wayside and stop taking care of myself?  Because I haven't really been taking care of myself and I've been drinking way too much.
Now my mom is coming up from across the country at the end of July.  There will  be much beach going, sailing, visiting, etc.  I do not want to be crabby, fat, and depressed when she is here, I want to have a good time.  I want HER to have a good time.  When I don't take care of myself I feel like shit and I take it out on other people which I shouldn't and I really need to look at that. 
Here are some things that I'd really like to start doing:
-Flossing my teeth.  I haven't been, it's gross.  I'm usually a pretty consistent flosser.
-Less beer, more vegetables and homemade food.  Less booze in general, more summer salad type stuff.
-More walking.  I feel really bad for my dog, we should be doing much more but I'm so. exhausted. I would like to make it a point to move about more if not for me then for her.
-Journal.  There is a whole lot of shit in my head that I am eating/drinking/ sleeping away right now and it needs to get out or I am never going to get better.
-Paint my toenails.  They look like shit and this is something that would help me feel better that really doesn't take much effort.
- Vitamins.  Take them.

The think about it is, all of these things seem HUGE to me right now.  Like, I think about cooking something and I get a headache and just want to crawl into bed.  WTF.  WT F-ing F.  I'm on my meds.  It's the booze man.